Man Wanted to Make - w4m - 26
My mom jealous. Free dinner included; see below!
The hot mom sleeping with her children’s young hot friends is not, I repeat, not something that only happens on teen comedies and Jerry Springer. Its real… real skanky. In this age of plastic surgery, botox, acai berry oil or some shit, and Demi Moore it has become hard for me to bring my guy friends/love interests/crushes around my 53 (!) year old mother. Since when did my apartment become that cougar’s breeding ground? She stops by as if it was some calm pond filled with thirsty, young, off-guard, little deer that she can just attack with her claws of acrylic when their back is turned. And well people, the worst part is it works. Marvelously. She has more game than Kobe. It doesn’t matter if the ball is closer to me, it will be passed to her because she will get wide open and will score 90% of the time. These “friends” that are sleeping with her jump on the band wagon thinking they will never have the opportunity to sleep with a hot older woman again and they don’t want to miss out on some crazy, never before seen, perfected move that this old bag can teach them.
Why don’t you just tell her not to come over to your apartment you ask? I have to baby-sit my EIGHT-year-old little sister and no matter what I do eventually see her. Wait for it… wait for it…. She is my half sister! Bet you could not guess that. “Here is a picture of my daddy”, I over heard her showing a friend while looking at one of my old yearbooks! Convenient: yes. Trash-a-lash: double yes.
Also, I have a hot guy roommate, with even hotter friends. What am I supposed to tell them? Please don’t go outside and smoke between the hours of 5:30 to 6:30 or some hot brod may come by and try sleep with you. They have all been warned of her, they know the record, but apparently “just say no” is not just a failed anti drug slogan, but a failed anti whore slogan as well. And being the Jewish mother that she is, she will call, once a day, and tell me to meet a man and remind me to clean under the stove and to dry clean my curtains. Then it’s always concluded with the flaunting of some young hot guy she banged like she is hotter than me.
Let me make this clear, she is Not… Not hotter than me. So if you’re so hot why don’t you get some equally hot guy in person to do this rather than look on Craigslist?
A. Due to some unmentionable acts in which I haphazardly walked into last week this process of vindication must be speedy. If not, I may have to tell her that we are going to L.A. for some “anti aging yoga/health retreat” but we will end up on stage with Dr. Phil exposing her trash to the world. This is a last resort, but mom if you are reading this, I will do it, don’t temp me. Don’t you dare tempt me.
B. It can’t be a quick “hello mom, this is John, John this is my mom”. It must be a calculated meeting with a two to three hour time block in which she could see that you clearly want me and nothing but me. I can’t possibly take the cutie that I met at the gym last week to meet my mom. That would be stage four psycho alert and our relationship is not the thing I want to blow.
Now to the good stuff. What’s in it for you, you ask?
A. Dinner will be on my mother. It will be on her credit card, and nothing more, I cannot stress that enough. It will not be an Olive Garden or corner sandwich shop either. She may sound trailer but she does not eat trailer. Have you been dying to go to the Slanted Door??? We can go baby, don’t you worry. Always wanted to try the French Laundry but don’t know when that next promotion will come through so you can finally afford it? We can drive out there no problemo. A free dinner of your choice to hang out with my mom and me for a couple hours is not a bad deal…. By any standards. And speaking of standards, you will not be lowering yours, as you will be all over me and not, I repeat, not looking at my mangy mother.
B. You are welcome to take whatever cash she has in her purse when she goes to the bathroom after she pays the bill. She always goes to the bathroom after she pays in order to peek her head in the kitchen to thank the cooks, but really to check out the chefs and/or sous chefs/busers/waiters, being the skank cougar that she is. She will not accuse us because she is extremely skeptical of any and all kinds of help such as “restaurant people” (mexicans), being the bitch that she is. It will most likely be anywhere from 100 to 300 hundred dollars.
YOU:
MUST BE A GOOD LOOKING CONFIDENT MALE between the ages of 21-35. You don’t have to be straight but must be able to pull off straight. When you came out of the closet, no one was like… “Duh”. When I mean I want to make mom jealous I mean I really want her to wish she were me and second guess her own sexual powers.
We will utilize our transit time so I could prep you on my mothers “game” so that you will not get sucked into her whore vortex. By the time we get to the restaurant you will be well versed in the art of “player” so you are welcome to bring a pen and paper to use the tricks later at your own personal discretion. I will give you appropriate responses so you know how to put the attention back on me without being too rude. If you are too rude it will just turn her on more and I wont even be able to leave you two to use the restroom. We will hash out the details of our “personal” relationship via email.
Please send me a recent picture of your self and I will respond with one of me.
Please memorize this line, “I love your sweater Ms. ****. My mother bought one just like it Wednesday at JC Penny’s senior morning sale.”
I guess this turned out to be more of a rant and rave but I’m one hand job away from disowning her and my HALF sister.
