Craigslist Add.... Love Rebecca

Man Wanted to Make - w4m - 26


My mom jealous. Free dinner included; see below!

The hot mom sleeping with her children’s young hot friends is not, I repeat, not something that only happens on teen comedies and Jerry Springer. Its real… real skanky. In this age of plastic surgery, botox, acai berry oil or some shit, and Demi Moore it has become hard for me to bring my guy friends/love interests/crushes around my 53 (!) year old mother. Since when did my apartment become that cougar’s breeding ground? She stops by as if it was some calm pond filled with thirsty, young, off-guard, little deer that she can just attack with her claws of acrylic when their back is turned. And well people, the worst part is it works. Marvelously. She has more game than Kobe. It doesn’t matter if the ball is closer to me, it will be passed to her because she will get wide open and will score 90% of the time. These “friends” that are sleeping with her jump on the band wagon thinking they will never have the opportunity to sleep with a hot older woman again and they don’t want to miss out on some crazy, never before seen, perfected move that this old bag can teach them.

Why don’t you just tell her not to come over to your apartment you ask? I have to baby-sit my EIGHT-year-old little sister and no matter what I do eventually see her. Wait for it… wait for it…. She is my half sister! Bet you could not guess that. “Here is a picture of my daddy”, I over heard her showing a friend while looking at one of my old yearbooks! Convenient: yes. Trash-a-lash: double yes.

Also, I have a hot guy roommate, with even hotter friends. What am I supposed to tell them? Please don’t go outside and smoke between the hours of 5:30 to 6:30 or some hot brod may come by and try sleep with you. They have all been warned of her, they know the record, but apparently “just say no” is not just a failed anti drug slogan, but a failed anti whore slogan as well. And being the Jewish mother that she is, she will call, once a day, and tell me to meet a man and remind me to clean under the stove and to dry clean my curtains. Then it’s always concluded with the flaunting of some young hot guy she banged like she is hotter than me.

Let me make this clear, she is Not… Not hotter than me. So if you’re so hot why don’t you get some equally hot guy in person to do this rather than look on Craigslist?

A. Due to some unmentionable acts in which I haphazardly walked into last week this process of vindication must be speedy. If not, I may have to tell her that we are going to L.A. for some “anti aging yoga/health retreat” but we will end up on stage with Dr. Phil exposing her trash to the world. This is a last resort, but mom if you are reading this, I will do it, don’t temp me. Don’t you dare tempt me.
B. It can’t be a quick “hello mom, this is John, John this is my mom”. It must be a calculated meeting with a two to three hour time block in which she could see that you clearly want me and nothing but me. I can’t possibly take the cutie that I met at the gym last week to meet my mom. That would be stage four psycho alert and our relationship is not the thing I want to blow.

Now to the good stuff. What’s in it for you, you ask?
A. Dinner will be on my mother. It will be on her credit card, and nothing more, I cannot stress that enough. It will not be an Olive Garden or corner sandwich shop either. She may sound trailer but she does not eat trailer. Have you been dying to go to the Slanted Door??? We can go baby, don’t you worry. Always wanted to try the French Laundry but don’t know when that next promotion will come through so you can finally afford it? We can drive out there no problemo. A free dinner of your choice to hang out with my mom and me for a couple hours is not a bad deal…. By any standards. And speaking of standards, you will not be lowering yours, as you will be all over me and not, I repeat, not looking at my mangy mother.
B. You are welcome to take whatever cash she has in her purse when she goes to the bathroom after she pays the bill. She always goes to the bathroom after she pays in order to peek her head in the kitchen to thank the cooks, but really to check out the chefs and/or sous chefs/busers/waiters, being the skank cougar that she is. She will not accuse us because she is extremely skeptical of any and all kinds of help such as “restaurant people” (mexicans), being the bitch that she is. It will most likely be anywhere from 100 to 300 hundred dollars.


YOU:

MUST BE A GOOD LOOKING CONFIDENT MALE between the ages of 21-35. You don’t have to be straight but must be able to pull off straight. When you came out of the closet, no one was like… “Duh”. When I mean I want to make mom jealous I mean I really want her to wish she were me and second guess her own sexual powers.

We will utilize our transit time so I could prep you on my mothers “game” so that you will not get sucked into her whore vortex. By the time we get to the restaurant you will be well versed in the art of “player” so you are welcome to bring a pen and paper to use the tricks later at your own personal discretion. I will give you appropriate responses so you know how to put the attention back on me without being too rude. If you are too rude it will just turn her on more and I wont even be able to leave you two to use the restroom. We will hash out the details of our “personal” relationship via email.

Please send me a recent picture of your self and I will respond with one of me.

Please memorize this line, “I love your sweater Ms. ****. My mother bought one just like it Wednesday at JC Penny’s senior morning sale.”

I guess this turned out to be more of a rant and rave but I’m one hand job away from disowning her and my HALF sister.

NFL

Well today marked the official day of get-shit-faced Sundays. Not that we haven't been doing that all summer, but now that football season has started it's a better excuse than, It's Irish tourist season"It's summer!" I'm pretty sure that only is a decent excuse for a college student, but we really don't care.

It was a ridiculous day for football. The Niners started strong with an interception and then I guess there was no place to go but down. I will say for Paige's sake the next game(s) will all be winners. All of them. Win or loose she will be on the booze but when the latter happens the ghetto might come out of her.

We went to the Greens on Polk street. A pretty brilliant place to watch the game. Really I am only saying that because the men there were gorgeous. There was a guy sitting in front of me with forearms the size of my calf. And not in a Guido juice head kind of way. In an I-used to play-football-but-tore-a-ligament-and-now-have-a-big-office-job-and-do-my-hot-girlfriend-three-times-a-day kinda way.

Is it a coincidence that the first weekend of no J1ers we are not at the 32? Yes. Yes it is. I just want to make it clear, officially, that it is not due to our will that football season started the same weekend that we are sans J1ers. Our absence at the 32 is only because football season started and we go to the Greens. (Feel free to stalk us).

I made an effort to stay at least one drink behind Paige all day, so I didn't get too drunk too soon. I left her at the bar when the game was almost over as I had some business to take care of. She was talking up some Irish lad that was fresh off the boat yesterday so I would imagine she would not mind if I left. She was in good company and by good company, I mean men. I left my card at the bar and the last I heard from her was that she would get it for me. My texts after that got no response, so my only conclusion is that she got bat shit wasted and is passed out in the back of a cab that is hopefully en route to her house as she has work at 8 am. I got home later and texted anyone I thought might have a pint at the 32 with me. I guess even with the Irish season ending football season starting, I still could do a little 32 on a Sunday night. Well, that didn't pan out so here I am. Hopefully Paige retains some memory of today so that we can hear what kind of shit show happened at the Greens.

A Guide to Drinking:

Pirate Killer Needed for Free Trip Around the World!

This is a chance of a lifetime!

My best girlfriend and I are planning to come into some money soon. We plan on living the dream, buying a large sail boat and just traveling around the world. Although quite adventurous we are only two small young girls, thus quite defenseless. Well we could theoretically defend ourselves but we will most likely be drunk most of the time and thus not in the right state to be on the lookout for pirates or rapists. I’m not sure I would be very good shooting a pirate with double vision. I tried going to the gun range hammered to practice but for some reason they would not rent me a gun. I tried explaining my fear of pirates but that just got me physically carried out. Apparently yelling “But how will I fight the Pirates?! They could come at any moment!” caused some sort of distrust between me the gun range man. Personally, I think he must have been on some sort of power trip.

Anyways, all we need is one strong fearless man to kill any pirates we come across. If you have killed a man before that could be a plus. If you have any pirate killing experience you are a definite shoe-in. You may be the luckiest man you know and the envy of all your friends. You will be able to travel the world, lie in the sun all day with two hot girls, and explore a different city every week, without a care in the world (except pirates.) I cannot stress this enough. We may from time to time ask you to help fish or man the sail, but your main concern and number one enemy is Pirates.

Also if you are anything like Kurt Russell in “Captain Ron” we encourage you to apply.

Review of Irelands 32:

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret... I love booze!

Sometimes (as in 3-4 days a week) I really do wanna go where everybody knows my name. Those Cheers people had the right idea. I love Ireland's 32! Food: Good, People: Good, Beer: Gooooooood, Bartenders: Awesome. Location is perfect for me because it's walking distance so I can stumble home after a crazy Sunday night. Yes, I said Sunday (no judgement please). I've spent entire days here, it kinda feels like my second living room.

Better stop myself here; I don't want to talk it up too much because then you might all start going here and that may ruin it for me.

Suffice it to say it's true love, and true love lasts a lifetime.

Review of Suite 181:

Sometimes I like to escape from my privileged life.... and their ain't no place like the TL to do it. It is important and it builds character. I need a little danger in my life. There are times when the girls and I wanna practice our Matrix and Heartbeat moves and walk it out, walk it out, walk it out. . We just wanted to "get down" (read that last part again in a Lil John voice) to some rap music.


Well, more often than not, we like to watch sexy thuggish guys shine their shoes and two step.

So with reviews like these, why not Suite 181?! The two star review would deter most people, but no, not us. It amplified the appeal. The cab pulled up right in front. We didn't get out. "Where is it?" Cab driver pointed right outside. But it just looked like your average crack whore row. "Your joking, right?" We actually thought he was joking with us. Cab driver had a good laugh at us four white girls too scared to get out of the car. Then we all just started laughing. That "excited, scared, what are we doing, omg like we are actually going in here" laugh. He wished us "good luck" and away we went.

I would not pay to come here. Ever. We were on the guest list, and actually got ready at a decent hour, so we made it in time. There were some impressive dancers here, we definitely were not one of them, but we did pick up a few pointers. It is definitely a once a year kind of place. There are some things so special they should only happen once a year. Mind you, I use "special" with a broad interpretation. If I had paid to get in, I may be hating a bit more. Basically I will try anything once, and if it is free, I may even try it twice.

My guess is the people who have fun at this club don't Yelp. Is that bad to say? Am I generalizing? Well don't most of you people live in the Marina and the "inner" mission? Come on, be honest. No, No, I kid, I love you guys!! But really.
I saw a guy here in a full purple suit, gator shoes, and shutter shades, and that is A-ok with me.

Random Review of Tarantino's Restaurant:

Sex with a tourist is said to have (not that I know from experience) the potential to be the best sex there is. It's simple human nature to "hold back" in fear of judgment. BUT if you're never going to see that person again, one may go "balls to the walls" (not sure if I need the quotations) for that one night, and one night only. It may give a person a chance to try the wilder, more passionate, maybe even more hardcore elements that could amount to pleasure. It's like if you knew you only had one more night to live, you would do all the things that would cause you pure Ecstasy but never had the guts to try.

OR.... (not that I know) the guy may just pass out 8 minutes later and your lucky if he will wake up again at all... and your left wondering if you have a dead body on your hands, trying to remember if he was on anything other than booze, wondering if women too get conjugal visits and whether or not his family would ship his body back to his home country or just have him cremated.

Tourist restaurants are like the latter. They are not trying to overly please a single person but themselves. I mean they don't want to go out of business or anything but they are really not trying too hard. They know you will never be back anyway. The hardest part (in both scenarios) is already over once you're hungry (or drunk) and in the door. Unfortunately, just like a man's looks, the view from a restaurant makes other things bearable, if not unnoticeable. A lot of the reviews for this place are tourists raving about the food. I get it but I don't trust it. You would have to be a major bitch to be sitting at a bay side restaurant on the coast of California, miles and miles away from the farm, and be complaining about the place.

So why, having lived in San Francisco for 5 years, would I come to a tourist restaurant knowing the food won't be that great? I'm not really at liberty to say, but I went. I will admit the view was quite enjoyable to look at; this place was definitely not a grenade.

I ordered the "Bay Shrimp and Avocado Salad". The waiter came back informing me they were out of avocado. He did not really offer me anything else, it was just more like a "hey just to let you know, there will not be any". I was a bit disappointed. Let me make it clear that this was not a bay shrimp salad WITH avocado, it clearly said "AND". It implied both equal parts shrimp and avocado. I was looking forward to the avocado. I love avocado. I was still polite.

When he came back I asked, nicely, if since my (16 dollar) bay shrimp and avocado salad does not have the avocado could I get beer? I wasn't asking for a new meal, or a discount on what was surely to be a disappointment, just a beer. The waiter told me and I quote "uhh, hold on let me ask the bartender, he's the boss". I smile politely.

The waiter came back after some time. Substantially longer than what it would take to ask the question during what appeared to be an extremely slow dining hour.

Waiter: Yes. He said that would be fine.... a bottled beer.

hmmm. A bottled beer. Sure. Cheap, but sure. One time my friend was at a bar and a guy asked to buy her a drink. She accepted and he ordered their drinks. Then he turned to her after fumbling with his money and asked her for 2 dollars... and still tried chatting her up. This bottled beer gesture was somehow worse. Maybe not as desperate, but definitely more pathetic.

So, I guess you can try your luck here if you're single and it's tourist season.

Review of 7-Eleven on Geary & 15th:

First let me clarify that this five star review has been graded on a curve in which only 7-elevens have been evaluated. Sure, perhaps they could do some things better, but it is by far my favorite 7-eleven I have ever visited.
There are a few reason they get five stars:

1. Its a convenience store. So I want it to be f*ing Convenient!!!! Open 24 hours and right across the street from my house; that is as convenient as it gets. They have never been out of stock of anything I need, and their Slurpee station is always clean. They give me whole roles of quarters for laundry. When it's busy and there is only one person working, they will jump back and forward from register to register. That is service.

2. The flatmates and I come home at nine in the morning. Dresses, six inch heels, and smeared eyeliner. The walk of shame at it's finest. The cab drops us off and we walk across the street to 7-eleven. The man at the counter greets us with "Life is good! Life is good!" Isn't it such. The last thing we needed was to be judged by the 7-eleven staff. He assured us life is good, thus also assuring us we could come in and buy a six pack at 9am, condoms at 4am, and a pound of nacho cheese at 3am.... if we ever wanted to do any of those things.

3. Customer appreciation Day! A few months back they had customer appreciation day. They gave out free slurpees, soda, chips, hot dogs, energy drinks and donuts. Best of all they were happy to give it away. The staff was loving it!! They really enjoyed putting a smile on all their customers' faces. Also I have secretly been wanting to try a hot dog from here for 13 years, but have not been able to bring myself to buy one. It just, well, seemed gross. But if they are giving them away.... why not. I have said it before and I will say it again, I will try anything that is free. I told people it was "pretty good" as I was too embarrassed to admit that I thought a hot dog from 7-eleven was beyond delicious.

4. The staff is fantastic. They make me feel like I am not at a 7-eleven but at a local bodega. In fact, sometimes when I go across the street here for something, I ask my roommates if they want anything from the bodega (east coast term for convenience store). Sure maybe it would be nice to support some local store. I fully agree, that MAYBE it would. But, the 7-eleven staff here does it up proper making me feel like I already am. Plus they don't sell liquor, so obviously I am pumping some funds into the local liquor store owners' pockets too.

Review of The Hearth:

This place is a disaster. The bartender was rude to me apparently because I was "too drunk"... and I had not even said a word! Really, not a word, and I could walk, so how bad could I have been? I just walked in the door. Honey, if your going to judge a person because they are drunk, you're in the wrong effing business.

Review of The Lusty Lady Lounge:

I have been here twice. One time my friend had "her first lesbian experience" and the other time one of my friends stepped in cum. Need I say more??? Well... maybe I should elaborate on the shenanigans.

Night #1: There are about 6 of us girls doing the north beach bars. We are drunk in its fullest form and are not ready for the party to stop. Being the brilliant and sophisticated women that we are we come up with a genius plan. "Lets go to a strip club!" "YA, lets go!!" "whooo hooo!!" So we walk over to Hustlers. Seeing that it was way too pricey we opt out. Us girls keep it classy and see that next door The Lusty Ladies is FREE to get in. Score.

So we all cram into a booth not knowing what to expect. It took us a second to realize the dollar machine. We put in a dollar and we can now see through the window. Inside is just a big room of lusty ladies, when the window shutter goes up the ladies come over. Then time is up shutter goes down. Another dollar goes in. Needless to say this is a blast for us drunks. These ladies did not spark my interest in women...and I was drunk. But it's a peep show where for a buck you can see it all and to each his own, right?. So in that respect the girls were fab. We were all having a great time when suddenly the door opens and two strange girls just walk in and start making out with my friend and enjoying our party. Let's just say... the lusty ladies were getting a show of their own. This was our cue to leave. So we did...most of us. 20 minutes later my friend runs out yelling, "I just had my first lesbian experience! Those girls just walked right in and started making out with me!! They never even said anything. That was so awesome". That deserves a star even if we all know she lied about it being her first lesbian experience.

Night #2: It began in the same exact manner as night number one but with more people. A few forked up the cash to go to Hustlers. The rest of us went into Lusty Lady. Many of us not being interested in going into a booth set up camp in the lobby instead. Yes, we had a mini party in the lobby of The Lusty Lady Lounge and it was fabulous. No one told us we were loitering or being too loud so that is a plus. One of my friends went straight into a booth. After some amusing Lusty Lady lobby banter I went to the bathroom. The bathroom is right off the lobby at the end of a small hallway. The door to this one bathroom is of saloon fashion. Just two swinging doors that touched neither the ceiling nor the floor. Sure, the whole establishment is filthy, but the bathroom just about sobered me up. No woman wants to use this kind of bathroom while a line of men fresh out of the whacking booth wait just outside while your dressed in a skirt and cleavage friendly shirt. I use the bathroom as quickly and discreetly as possible and go back to my party to suggest perhaps we party PG-13 at my house. Just then my friend comes running out of a booth in the most dramatic fashion imaginable. I don't really hear her because I am trying to figure out why in the world was she barefooted and her shoes are clear across the room. Then I realize what she is yelling repeatedly.... "I JUST STEPPED IN CUM!!"

Once the laughter died down and asked why, WHY, would she take her heals off HERE, she simply and ever so matter-of-factly stated, "My feet hurt".
You get what you pay for here people.

Pros: Free to get in and you can do what you please, if you please, inside the booths.

Cons: Spend 20 minutes in a booth and you could have gone else where and stayed longer. Its a place that requires a jizz cleaner and that explains enough.