I'm leaving the country for a while which leaves my wifey without a drinking partner for an extended amount of time. Therefore I am taking applications for my replacement. Please answer questions below to be considered for this position. We are equal opportunity friends and will not discriminate based on gender, race, or sexual preference. All encouraged to apply!
About your new drinking partner:
She is 25, jewish-ish, and petite (easily fits in a suitcase or kitchen sink). She loves to drink on Sunday's but can be persuaded to go out most nights of the week and Saturday's. Well travelled, bilingual, and has the unique ability to never get a hangover. She has a great sense of humor and could possibly be one of the funniest people I've met.
Benefits:
Constant entertainment.
Requirements:
Must be 21 years of age or older. No drug habits, weed is fine as long as you aren't a lazy pot head. Liver in good working condition (you have one). Must have plenty of funny/embarrassing stories. Having a job where you don't work Monday's is a plus!
Questionnaire:
. Do you have a home? No bums please!
. Do you have any upcoming events/trips/kids that may cause you to miss a Sunday?
. On average how many drinks do you have on a typical night out? Keep in mind we are not your doctors, no need to lie.
. Are you able to drink for 10-12 hours without falling asleep on the bar, crying (this does not include any crying leading up to the sentence “I fucking love you man."), ranting about your ex and how not-crazy YOU are?
. Have your friends ever tried to stage an intervention for you?
. What kind of drunk would YOUR FRIEND'S (not you) say you are?
-Happy drunk
-Violent drunk
-Slutty drunk
-Disappearing drunk
. Do you know what the Craic is and how to have it?
. Have you ever or do you often dance on bars, tables, benches, etc...?
. Would you ever pull a robbery on the guy she is talking too?
. What is your annual income? This may be personal but this is an expensive position and we need to make sure you can afford it.
. Has anybody ever told you that you should have your own reality show?
. Have you ever considered applying for The Amazing Race?
. How do you handle hangovers?
. Are you up on the latest happy hours and places that serve bottomless mimosas?
. What is your favorite beer?
. Do you know any good Jewish jokes?
. Please tell us one of your funniest drinking stories.
If you pass the questionnaire portion of this interview we will call you for an audition at Santacon this Saturday, December 4th. Good luck!!
Disclaimer: This position could result in liver failure, premature aging, and death. Please drink responsibly.
Love, Paige
